Today marks my 4th Mother’s Day. I gaze at my little boy and wonder why time insists on moving so fast. I can remember when he was born and being so fascinated by his little nose and toes. That same nose now has freckles and those toes constantly have bandaids on them.
There was so much anxiety and fear leading up to his birth that I feel like I didn’t get a chance to really appreciate what my body did. I was too angry at it for betraying us; too fearful to enjoy the experience; too shamed…
Now, I can hardly remember the experience of pregnancy and childbirth at all. It’s a fuzzy haze of fear, happiness.... and longing. Longing for a re-do. I would do so many things differently.
After Caiden was born I tried so hard to make up for the mistakes my body made. I was obsessed with breast feeding and pumping. When my body wouldn’t produce enough milk, I would spiral into self-loathing.
Looking back at it with fresh eyes, this might have been me replacing one type of self-loathing with another. I’ve spoken about my body image issues before - was this the same thing wrapped in a different bow? I can tell you with absolute certainty that it is much easier to hate yourself when you have definitive evidence as to why you should.
Look, you’re not always going to love your body and it might betray you. It’s still the only one you have though. Work on spending your days making peace with it and giving yourself grace when you fail.
I want to give a shout-out to all moms, especially the ones who have lost or are yearning, and the ones struggling to reconcile with their bodies. This Mother’s Day and every Mother’s Day is for you too. I see you and I hold space for you.
Photo of Katie by Ashley Jackson Photography