As a child, my house was more about the rules and image than our relationships. It was "diplomatic" to ignore conflict (which doesn't even make sense) and body shaming was disguised as "modesty".
When I went to Katie, I was super nervous. I am confident when I am fully dressed but baring all to someone else was way outside my comfort zone. I am more subtle. Although, one time, I was walking to my 9-5 in my early 20s and, unknowingly, my dress had ridden up and my bare ass was showing for at all to see. For a minimum of 5 blocks of downtown busy streets. (I was wearing a thong and tights, but you could, for sure, see my ass.) When I realized, it didn’t even bother me. I literally shrugged it off. But the idea of showing my female photographer my bare tits… nope. Shame. I think the difference is because of the context. I think I was taught that trying to be sexy is bad, but if you just so happened to accidentally be sexy then, that was okay.
Katie told me she wanted to share my pictures and I was instantly resistant. My excuse was that I would never want to be un-modest but, really more than that, I felt shame about my body. My upbringing had made me extremely hesitant and, in addition to that, I thought no one would even be interested in the content I would be willing to share. I wouldn't show my face or bare nipples. That is just too far outside my comfort zone.
Truth be told, I LOVE boudoir pictures of other girls that rock their tits out and have their face visible. They are the best ones. It's great to see them enjoying themselves and who doesn't like tits? I thank God for tits, every single day.
I did let Katie share some of my pictures inside my comfort zone. I was blown away, they got so much love. I was genuinely surprised. I don’t really know why I was surprised. I knew I was awesome, but I didn't realize strangers would agree.
Since my boudoir, I have become a new person. It's been about a year and this experience has really transformed my whole being. I feel like everything about me is different. Better.
I'm sure that some of it chalks up to being more mature but, I think more than that I have found my inner Jen.
I am more ambitious.
I am more adventurous.
I am more spontaneous.
I am funnier and wittier .
But I still don’t want my dad to see my bare nips on Facebook… so…. You still are not allowed to see my face. You do you.
Xox Jen. <3